2 Skills to Listen Like a Facilitator
What’s the difference between a presenter and a facilitator? A presenter “tells,” and a facilitator “asks.” If you’ve been asked to facilitate a meeting and the first thing you do is start designing content slides—red alert!
As the facilitator, your job is not to push content. Your job is to pull knowledge out of the people in the room. This means setting aside our tendencies to give advice or solve problems and simply listen.
This is easier said than done when the people who talk the loudest usually receive the most visibility and opportunities. In a culture biased toward advocacy and action, pausing to listen can feel unnatural.
The Blind Men and the Elephant
In the old fable "The Blind Men and the Elephant," several blind men are placed by an elephant and asked to describe what they feel and guess what it is.
One feels a sharp, pointed side and says, "It’s a spear!"
One feels a rough, leathery part and says, "It’s a wall!"
One feels a long, wiggly piece and says, "It’s a snake!"
Each is convinced they are correct, but they are blind to the big picture. Whenever we try to solve a problem or make a decision, we are grasping at our own parts of the elephant (our knowledge and experiences).
Imagine the blind men are placed in a room to discuss their observations and decide what it is they all experienced. They are asked to do two things:
Paraphrase what they hear
Ask questions
Using these skills, they realize that each perspective is part of a larger reality—the reality of THE ELEPHANT.
Paraphrasing
We interpret everything we hear through our own perceptions and assumptions. While we may think we know what someone is feeling or saying, our own experience gets in the way, and we are often incorrect.
Once, while in conflict with a friend, I stated, "If we did that idea, I would feel like I had my arm cut off." What my friend heard was, "You are cutting off my arm." My comment was not meant to be directed at the friend, but rather the idea, but she interpreted it differently than I intended it.
Bias is natural, so to make sure we paint a clear picture, we must actively listen to the person who is speaking, not the voice in our head.
Facilitators do this by paraphrasing what they hear. Paraphrasing enables us to learn by repeating a comment. Then, it enables the other person to understand how well they communicated and have an opportunity to clarify before both parties walk away with different meanings.
PRO TIP: Paraphrasing is best done verbally so you can hear and express tone. According to Albert Mehrabian, only seven percent of meaning is perceived through words alone, making email and text an ineffective way to practice paraphrasing.
Effective paraphrasing is best done using phrases such as:
I heard you say...
It sounds like...
I notice that...
I perceive that...
These phrases make it clear that you own your perceptions and acknowledge that they may not be correct.
For example: “I heard you say that you feel like I am cutting off your arm.”
If I had received this paraphrasing, I would have clarified that my thoughts were aimed at the idea, not the person, hopefully reducing the tension and enabling a more effective dialogue.
MEETING TIP: Paraphrasing Next Steps
In most meetings, we assume that everyone is clear on next steps and are later confused or frustrated when the actions we thought would occur do not. This can be remedied by including a paraphrasing activity at the end of each meeting.
Using a go-around, have each person paraphrase the next steps for which they believe they are responsible. Capture all next steps in a shared document or on a flipchart. After everyone has spoken, ask if there are any areas of confusion. Ensure that you have at least 10 minutes to do this, even if it means cutting the discussion short and making it a "next step" to continue the conversation.
Asking Questions
Asking questions is an art form. Just like a book, good questions are something to collect.
The best questions are simple and open-ended, meaning that they cannot be answered "either/or" and do not include a disguised solution. Watch out if you like to "rescue" by swooping in and fixing a problem. Rescuing makes us feel helpful, but it also creates dependencies and prevents the other person from gaining valuable learning from finding their own way.
CALLOUT: We break down the four types of open-ended questions in our Questions Library handout, available for free in our downloads store.
Powerful questions also start with "what" and "how," as opposed to "why." Why questions tend to evoke defensiveness, which stops the conversation short. A simple change from "Why did you do that?" to "What caused you to take that step?" provokes thought, insight and discovery. Practice changing a why question to a what question five times this week and observe what happens.
MEETING TIP: Question Script
This question script is an example of how a facilitator might create a “build” of questions to move from brainstorming through decision-making by utilizing the four types of open-ended questions. The conversation may not be as clear cut and likely requires some thought around how the information will be collected and visualized, but at a basic level, this can be used to help guide what question you might ask based on what you heard in the room.
Start with harvest questions to gather ideas—"Let's start with some insights from the past week. What's on each of our minds right now that you feel is important to discuss?"
Use clarifying questions to ensure ideas are understood—"We mentioned a few key points there. Can someone clarify what is working well and what challenges we are facing?"
Use process questions to further understanding—"Reflecting on the issues we’ve raised, what's most important about that to us? How does this impact our work or our project goals?"
End with solution questions to forward action—"Considering the details we've discussed, what might be our next steps to address these challenges? What support do we need from the team or organization to move forward?"
In Season 3 Episode 5 of our This Meeting Sucks podcast, we unpack a facilitator’s toolkit of simple verbal tools that anyone in a meeting can use to improve communication, encourage diverse voices, and enhance the meeting experience. Listen to this Jeopardy-style episode for more on paraphrasing and open-ended questions, PLUS closed-ended questions and when to use them.
TRY THIS: A Formula for Listening
Once you feel confident with these skills, you can combine them by following a paraphrased thought with a question. This skill takes between 30 seconds and a minute to practice and can be a game-changer.
I can sound something like:
“I heard you say you're concerned about your marriage. What did you mean by that?”
“It sounds like you have some fears. What else is coming up?”
The simple act of paraphrasing and asking a question gives others the gift of deeper thinking and processing and helps others feel heard.
Statement: "I think our project timeline is too aggressive."
Paraphrase: "It sounds like you're concerned that the schedule might be too tight."
Question: "What steps do you think we could take to make the timeline more realistic?"
Statement: "Our team is overwhelmed with the current workload."
Paraphrased: "I’m hearing that the team is finding the current amount of work too much to handle."
Question: "What changes can we make to alleviate some of the pressure on the team?"
Statement: "We're not reaching our target audience effectively."
Paraphrase: "It sounds like our marketing efforts aren’t connecting with our intended audience as well as we hoped."
Question: "What new strategies should we consider to better engage our target audience?"
Listening is a skill that takes energy and practice. Having someone listen to us validates our stories and makes it easier for us to listen back. Mastering these skills will help you not only lead better meetings but relate better to others in all your relationships.
For more ways to help your meetings work—even when you aren’t the one leading your meeting—check out This Meeting Sucks Season 3: A Participant’s Guide to Un-sucking Meetings.
